Dancing With the Enemy
Braver Angels keeps us in step
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Why has it been so hard to write about my wonderful weekend in Philadelphia?
My third Braver Angels conference was a knockout. I made new friends and reconnected with people I adore. I heard stories that made me laugh and moved me to tears. I met a favorite journalist, learned about history and culture and civics, heard heart-lifting musical performances and reports from inspiring youth, and took part in improv and the making of a film. I ate soft serve, got hugged a lot, and even made a happy fool of myself on the dance floor.
Why has it felt so hard to tell you about all these good things?
It’s hard for the same reason that compelled me to head to Philadelphia with one thousand fellow Americans, evenly balanced across the political divide. What we do at Braver Angels—what this moment calls for—is hard work, especially in a rage-filled environment dominated by conflict entrepreneurs.
I grew up in a red town (Newnan) in a red state (Georgia), where my father was active in politics and was for a time the head of the local Republican Party. We were Southern conservative evangelical Christians, and my identity was formed and wrapped up in all these things.
In my family, the most objectionable, or at least puzzling, thing you could be was a liberal. We tried not to cuss, but if you were going to cuss, the strongest word you could come up with wasn’t the F word. The really bad word was the one my baby brother used at the beach when he got knocked down by a wave: “That Democrat water!”
God bless my father, who taught me by example the importance not only of civic engagement but also open dialogue. He loved friendly debates, and as a student at the University of Georgia stirred up controversy by inviting Communist Gus Hall to speak to his literary society. That sort of thing was frowned upon in 1965.
Lately, on some days, I wonder if Daddy regrets having brought me up this way. In my twenties I went to New York and would remain here three decades working in the performing arts and academia. You can stay red in this environment, but you might not have many friends.
In my old world, it’s now the same with Democrats.
My many flaws include chronic indecision and a desire to please everyone. How can I know, in the dark quiet hours when I’m really honest, if my political positions are truly based on reason and principle, and not to please or rebel against my friends or family, or because I can’t make up my mind?
Short answer: I can’t, and neither can anyone else. We are tribal creatures. When we go against those who’ve helped form our identity, we feel unsafe. It can be terrifying.
Are you right about everything? Most of us would say no. What are you wrong about?
At Braver Angels we acknowledge we all have blind spots and work on better listening, curiosity, humility—qualities that seem in short supply these days. But we don’t stop there.
When I was fourteen, Daddy introduced me to Jim Robb. We’ve been friends ever since. Jim and I come from similar backgrounds but have taken divergent paths. While I was singing opera, he followed his passion for political strategy to help lead a group that calls for restrictive immigration policy. Over the years Numbers USA has been a lightening rod for the Left, especially groups like the Southern Poverty Law Center. Some of that criticism came from Diego Sánchez, who served two years as director of the SPLC’s immigration portfolio.
Diego, an immigration lawyer and former DACA recipient, now directs policy and strategy for the President’s Alliance on Higher Education and Immigration. He and Jim have been on opposing sides. You might even say they were enemies.
By far the best contribution I’ve made to Braver Angels has been introducing them to my friend Jim.
He was wary at first. I did not realize how important Numbers USA was, especially among conservatives. They had far more followers than the NRA. In 2023, when Jim accepted my invitation to our conference in Gettysburgh, Braver Angels was actively recruiting conservatives because our overall membership was about 80% blue. We needed better balance in service of our mission. Meanwhile, Numbers USA did not want to be known as a conservative organization. They had been making strides on bi-partisan efforts with Democrat Congresswoman Barbara Jordan before her untimely death in 1996. Their interest is not in playing partisan politics but in passing legislation.
I love talking with Jim about immigration because I always learn things I’d never hear in in my own bubbles. We often disagree, with my own positions lately more resembling Diego’s. But I still learn from Jim and respect him. More importantly, he is still my dear friend.
Jim is the friend who came out to support me when I sang in Pittsburgh and Delaware and at the National Cathedral. Long ago, we introduced each other to our respective marriage prospects over lobster and beer. Jim and his wife Kim rolled out the red carpet for my boys and me when we were passing through town on the way to wrestling camp. Jim is the one who told me to drop everything and read Psalm 23 when I called him in a bout of depression. He supports my writing and laughs with me over stories about my dad. I cherish his friendship, and nothing can change that
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Jim brought Numbers USA into the Braver Network . Soon he reached out to Theresa Cardinal-Brown at the Bipartisan Policy Center and said, “We’re not getting anywhere. Let’s have coffee.”
A table was set—the Braver Angels round table on immigration, the high level component of the Citizens Commission on Immigration.
Diego and the others tell the rest of the story, how they began using Braver Angels’ common ground process. I encourage you to listen:
These efforts are going beyond conversations. They are working hard to distill points of agreement to deliver in a report Congress.
But Congress will not hear only from the leaders. These round table talks are supported by grassroots efforts by citizens around the country using the same techniques, gathering common ground policy recommendations to take to our representatives.
Policy discussions can actually get somewhere when grounded in trust. As friendships are forged across divisions, trust builds. And as in any relationship, the more bitter the division, the stronger the potential bonds of that trust. Jim is sincere in his concern for Diego as he pursues a path for his wife to come to the U.S. from Argentina. Diego calls Jim a friend. In one session, he said,
When the invitation to co-chair came up, of course we were excited. But I would be lying to you, Jim, if I told you that I wouldn’t be worried about some things that friends of mine would say. But, to use Maury’s1 words, this is what courageous citizenship is about. You lean in. You provide a different kind of example. ..I shouldn’t have to worry about what the rest said, but those things can be hurtful. But I’m proud to be here, and I’m proud to be here standing next to you.
Jim faces parallel condemnation from some on his side for speaking to Diego, and speaks from his heart about him: “He is a good guy.”
All this is happening behind the scenes while we rage on Twitter because our conflict entrepreneurs don’t want us to know about it.
Don’t just listen to me. You may recognize some faces here:
Braver Stuff
Here is a small sampling of things that helped restore my hope for America:
Cutest Couple Award
What a pleasure it was meeting red blue pair Jane and Stephen Raucher, who married just two years ago! He swept her off her feet taking her on a cruise. They’ve just returned from another cruise, where he sang with a Broadway choir. They are totally adorable.
What Brings You Here?
For many of us, this is personal. I’ve talked before about my craving to be understood by my family. It broke my heart to hear many stories from parents whose kids have “taken a break from the family” or written them off completely. One father told me his daughter hasn’t spoken to him and his wife for five years. He said he knows he is in a red bubble and came to the conference to learn and see from other perspectives. How sad it would be if blues didn’t welcome that dialogue!
GOATS of Depolarization
It was great meeting Amanda Ripley, whom I’ve long admired. Here she is with someone else I regard as GOAT, Braver Angels friend, former New Hampshire state legislator/Peace Corps volunteer to Morocco and Director in Ukraine/mountain scaler/naturalist and all-around rock star Doug Teschner, along with their books, which you need to read:
My Favorite Movie Stars
Daniel Karslake is making a beautiful film with the potential for significant impact. It includes some of my favorite folks: Amanda Ripley, Wilk Wilkinson, Frances Collins, and Monica Guzman. We got to be part of the process as Daniel strives to tell people’s stories in a way that resonates with reds and blues alike. Learn more and show your support here:
You Can’t Dance with Two Left (or Right) Feet
I’ll leave you with a visual lesson in why we need each other. On our last night, we hit the dance floor. Note the difference between my solo turn and the group effort. This is a room full of people who disagree on politics. Enjoy!
The Braver Angels Way
We state our views freely and fully, without fear.
We treat people who disagree with us with honesty, dignity and respect.
We welcome opportunities to engage those with whom we disagree.
We believe all of us have blind spots and none of us are not worth talking to.
We seek to disagree accurately, avoiding exaggeration and stereotypes.
We look for common ground where it exists and, if possible, find ways to work together.
We believe that, in disagreements, both sides share and learn.
In Braver Angels, neither side is teaching the other or giving feedback on how to think or say things differently.
Thank you for reading. If you’ve appreciated this post, clicking the little heart will help it reach more people and may just make my day as well. I love reading your comments as well so let me hear from you!
Maury Giles, Braver Angels CEO
This is incredibly important work, and I am in awe. I love this term “courageous citizenship.” My goodness. Digesting the whole of this will take me a while. Thank you, Courtenay. You have found your voice.
Courtenay, I'm glad you took the time to write this piece and yes it is so hard to describe the event and its emotional impact. I'm glad you shared this with us. It was such a pleasure seeing you and spending time with you in the car.